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[September 30th, 2009 | 13.59]
[ mood | busy ]

My cousin Brandy came to visit last week. She arrived on Wednesday evening with her 4 year old son, Gage. That boy is something else! He is not a bit shy. He could be a child actor or something. He takes direction very well and speaks so clearly. His intelligence is evident. Eden would just plop down beside him, stick her thumb in her mouth and watch. She just stared at him and followed him around. It was too cute.

We went to the zoo last Friday. It turned out to be a lot of fun!

here are a few pics....


It's been a really long time! [January 31st, 2009 | 22.00]
[ mood | bored ]

Okay, i stated the obvious. I had a baby last June. We just moved into our first home on Jan. 10th. Yes, we own it!! It's such a great feeling. We can move around. I found clothes covered in cat hair. Now I have actual LIGHT enough to see all the particles and lint. Also, i could smell that some of my things smelled musty. How did i not notie it?? Our townhome that we rented was built in 1972 and was nasty. This house that we bought was built in 2001. It had one previous owner - a military guy who was very clean and barely ever home anyway.

 So.. it's great, but i'm a bit stir crazy. We just had an awful ice storm. I have family who still don't have electricity. Over 300,000 people in this State (Kentucky) were out of electricity this week. My 78 year old grandmother and my cousin who is about to deliver twins are without electricity. It's just horrible. I feel helpless. They are 4 hours away and driving there would not help. It's not a wise idea for me to take a baby in this weather and i won't leave her since I'm still breastfeeding. Plus, i don't want to be away from her.

 I can't wait for Spring. I hate this bleary, dreary ice and snow that is trapping me indoors. We physically could NOT leave the house last Tuesday and Wednesday. Eden's first Gymboree class was called off due to the ice. This county is ill-prepared for any kind of winter weather. They had cancelled school a few weeks before that just because the temperature was almost zero. I can imagine what the people up North would think about that. hah

 I'll post pics of my baby girl soon. We don't have cable now so i'll probably be around here more.


for the heck of it [February 9th, 2007 | 15.39]

1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open it to page 161.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the sentence in your journal along with these instructions.
5. Don't search around and look for the coolest book you can find. Do what's actually next to you.

"In a reactive component, the opposition to AC current flow is frequently dependent, and these components exhibit a special form of AC resistance called reactance."

 (unfortunately it was one of hubby's books)

What time of day am I? [January 3rd, 2007 | 17.49]
[ mood | bored ]

You Are Noon

You are upbeat, ambitious, and never at loss for energy.

You have a lot that drives you in life. The desire to be the best, and a secret hope of fame and power.

And while you definitely have a Type A personality, you are still fun to be around.

You have a ton of charisma and a genuine interest in others. You are adored by many.


I am so fucking isolated [December 19th, 2006 | 22.40]
[ mood | anxious ]

I cannot stand it. I've been saying it and literally years have went from my life. Experience has been gained throughout, yet I feel very far behind.

My husband is on the futon now, passed out and snoring. it is quite early for him.. and he's been dozing off for several hours now. He has been on methodone for 3 days. It hangs in the system and although he (he SAYS) he took the last pill(s) yesterday, who knows. I have tended to notice that those things affect him more on the 2nd day. I have learned WAY too much about all the different drugs, etc, by being around him.
And guess what?? This time I really am sick of it!
I'm through!
I am so fucking isolated
I truly have grown to hate my husband's guts!!!!! I mean, this is the way I feel sometimes even though I love him as a person, my respect level for him is nil.
It is so so sad........... He is like a walking SHELL of a man to me, so blank behind his eyes, so manipulative and CONNIVING. I can't take another month of this.
It's going to be a sad Christmas. I hope this doesn't ruin Christmas memories for me forever. I'm so sorry my life has run amok and gotten so out of control that I cannot be anything but selfish-acting, emotionally. I hate that too. i will tell the mother-in-law, etc once i'm on other side of what has now unfortunately become a wretched holiday season for me. The memories created the last two years have been unpleasant, so play no Christmas songs for me until it's as warm and cozy inside my heart as that stupid MOTHER FUCKING CHESTNUT ON THE FIRE. Ya dig?

I told him i wanted a divorce earlier (his eyes looked kinda doe-like and spacey and he acted very agile). He covered his head, and later i caught him staring at me... But he is too out of it to really care. I'm going THROUGH it and it won't hit him until it's too late.

DRUGGIES SUCK! i should've known that going in. I am ready to take back control of my life, thirty years old or not!


[October 5th, 2006 | 15.24]
[ mood | shocked ]

I am in complete shock really.

This is a first.... First time in my life i've been fired.. I get paid for the next 2 weeks, but I seriously don't know what to do. We were going to close on our house in just a couple of months.
I mean we still could if i had a job. Matt's income would have to be "stated," and they could go by bank statements, but his credit is not as good as mine is, so that means, a higher interest rate.
BAH!! I hate being an adult sometimes.

I suppose for now i'm going to get unemployment and help Matt to make extra money... to see how it goes. Then i will keep searching for a new job. It's weird to me. WHAT TIMING!? I truly think it all stems from the fact that my (ex) "boss" knew I knew that he sits in his office looking at porn all day and he wanted tech-saavy persons GONE.. Thing is, I'M not the one who is tech saavy enough to know that stuff. It was my husband and to them, that is bad enough?
What cowardly pussies they are!!!!!!!!!

I'll post more once i get my head around all of this.


Clowns never laughed before.. birds never flew [August 1st, 2006 | 15.56]
[ mood | working ]

i wanna pig out on chocolate!!!!!!!!!
but there's none

Still, there is wonderful news....

It's finally official.
Our house plans have been sent to the engineers and they'll start the foundation tomorrow!!This is oh so tremendously exciting for me.


[July 6th, 2006 | 16.50]
[ mood | busy ]

Lots has changed since February. My husband has left rehab and he was at his father's house for a week, then he wanted to come home to me.
I really can't imagine our not being together. We are so in love, so compatible. Drugs SUCK!! I tell ya.
But the wonderful news is, after a only slightly rocky start, we are now solid and things haven't been better.
He has remained clean, been going to meetings, and turned into a person completely obsessed with working out/nutrition/health.

I'll post more later.. i'm at work and should be doing my job. :o)


[February 9th, 2006 | 18.32]
If you want on my Friends list, just email me.

[February 1st, 2006 | 13.30]
[ mood | working ]

The only good thing about a "break-up" or the impending one - utter turmoil I feel emotionally, that is - is that now, size 4 pants are getting baggy on me.

I try to eat. I do eat 2-3 meals a day. I just ate so much junk food and snacks before!! I was lucky not to be HUGE.

Matt hasn't called in over 5 days.

The "family counselor" at the rehab place Matt is in told me yesterday that i should move on. I about went ballistic. She says to just take care of myself and that Matt won't be in any condition any time soon to address the issue of our relationship.

I thought they were a Christian-based facility who should BELIEVE IN THE SANCTITY OF MARRIAGE. Guess not. Or that lady is a dumb bitch. Well, i even called his specific therapist there requesting a call back (b/c Matt did sign a release that I could know anything about his medical info during his treatment). He never called me back.

It's as if they're acting like if you're an addict, you have a throw-away relationship. It's not like i'm some "fling girlfriend." We've been together almost 6 years and are MARRIED. I was just so pissed yesterday that Matt is such a coward he can't even call.
I know HE is the patient, but I am affected too - MAJORLY!!!!!!

I went to an Al-anon meeting last night. It really helped. They explained that many in rehab go through what is called "alcoholics remorse" and he just can't face me b/c he has so much shame and guilt over his behavior for the last year.

Today I have an appt w/ my therapist at 5 PM. I can't wait to go, although i'm sure I'll cry.
I have valium prescribed, but i'm afraid to take it b/c i don't want to end up like Matt. I've taken a few of them since I got them - at night to sleep. (But i got 40 of them over a week ago and have only taken 6 - only 1/2s at a time)

I just want Matt to get saved and know what it feels like to feel that Jesus' blood cleanses us from sin. He is consumed with shame right now.

It just completely sucks not knowing what to do, what to plan, etc.
I guess when my lease is up, i'll start looking for a smaller place!? Everything is "up in the air" right now. the waiting game sucks.

Anyone who believes, please say a prayer for Matt.


Day in the life..... [January 27th, 2006 | 18.32]
[ mood | indescribable ]

I am about to head out to go to a group support meeting for family/friends of addicts.

I'm probably growing more lately than i have in the last year altogether. Now i know what the saying 'trial by fire' means. I mean, i need to count my blessings. I have my physical health.

It's interesting. The owner's wife of the place I work came to talk to me yesterday. She recently lost her mother and went through a very hard time with it. She was SUCH an angel. She was so encouraging and insightful and told me that if my work slacked, nobody cared. They are the most understanding people!! It's like family. So of course, me being the way that i am, i want to work twice as hard to keep my mind occupied, so i may go in tomorrow.

I wanted to go to pamper myself or something at a salon, but i just had to pay $475 student loan payment. (i was a couple months behind)
That sucks. I HATE bills.

But what i was getting at about interesting is that one of the things she (boss' wife, Kerry) told me was that a counselor she had seen told her to do this exercise:

She said that when the pain gets REALLY bad and it seems unbearable, to sit quietly and try to visualize within your own body exactly WHERE that pain is coming from. She said to try to find the location inside where it hurts - where there is actual pain. Well, i tried that and it went from my chest and then I realized that it was in my HEAD. Pinpointing just where the pain hurt led me straight to my brain!!
And y'know, i started to feel better. Realizing that helped, but also, i kinda just tried to imagine it floating right on out of my skull away from me.. and i was calm.

I'd never heard of that before, but it really helped for me yesterday.

Well, i must run now or i'll be late.


Racing mind, stagnant life [January 26th, 2006 | 01.03]
[ mood | depressed ]

My life is in shambles. Dammit, now everytime i think of that word i think of Kate Moss' ex boyfriend foaming at the mouth on drugs. (b/c his band's name is like, BabyShambles or something like that).

My husband is in rehab. I cannot even begin to express how difficult a time this is for me. I was on the brink of such happiness... Heck, i was SOOOO happy for a time. We are (were?) so in love.
He went in on the 20th and today is the first i've spoken to him. He was still on this med called Subutex, which is like heroine or something... the effect, that is. But his dose has been lowered so he was able to talk.
When he called he said that he couldn't be pressured by anything and that i was pressuring him. He told me that he cared for me so deeply that he wanted me to have the kind of man that i deserved. (this is insane b/c we talked 100+ times on this subject and he promised me that he'd do everything in his power to be the man i want/need and he wanted me for life).

Several people have explained that he is just going through a phase and wanting to take the easy way out.
The amount of confusion i'm feeling right now makes this a very boring blog post.
The only (i'm trying to focus on the positive) plus to my intense anguish is that i've quickly lost the 7 pounds i gained from Thanksgiving to New Year's. and yes, it feels as unhealthy as it sounds, but what can i do? I do try to eat as much as i can.

Which reminds me.. this girl gave me a cupcake at work and i brought it home. (the normal me would've gobbled it down already - for sure).
I left it in the car so i'm going to get it.

I even saw my counselor today and he kept telling me to stop thinking that i am being punished for something. Why i feel this way i don't know. But i am scared. I'm afraid of being alone... lonely nights.. missing the joy and beauty of sharing my life with someone...

My counselor, Don, also told me that i keep talking like i'm hoping to win the "relationship lottery." That struck me for some reason. I do value having that quite a bit. But DAMMIT - we are programmed, biologically MADE to want that. Reproducing and all - that's what is WIRED IN to us.

i did Pilates trying to get out of my funk.. but i cannot muster the energy to clean for some reason. Everything i look at reminds me of Matthew.

Oh.. really AM going for the cupcake now - to put in fridge and eat some soup first.


Email I sent on Christmas night [January 9th, 2006 | 12.50]
[ mood | swamped ]

.. well, i have some memories alright. It's not been
bad except for in dealing with the one person who
affects me the most.
Matt showed his ASS this weekend. After i went to bed
last night he found a fiftth of Jack Daniels that
Kevin (stepdad) had won in his office gift exchange...
well, he left a quarter of an inch of liquid in the
bottom of it...

He & his mom woke me up at 4:30 am... the entire
house was up. She'd went to bed before I did.. so i
knew something was up when i heard her voice as Matt
was coming to bed... well, he'd pissed in the bathroom
floor, called me a whore right when he came to bed and
then started a pukefest in the bedroom.
He had tried to start a fight with his brother twice
and ....... it was just AWFUL.

so he's going to rehab. His family all support me if
i feel i should give up and go on with my life (His
mom didn't say that, but..) it's really obvious for
them all now. Things are all out in the open. They
said a lot of very kind things to me this morning. I
got lots of hugs. matt's such a pure fucking dipshit!
I mean, he's just an immature brat. He cried ..asking
what is wrong w/ his head.. why he has
emotional/mental, rage problems... the constant
depression, the desire to die and/or get fucked up on
the way.
it sucks.

sorry, dear, this Christmas still was not as bad as it
could have been.. but on top of that. there's more
drama that happened just getting to Matt's
step-grandma's house. My brother, Jesse was going
blind and we had to take him to the ER. He had a
cornea ulcer which we found out is quite serious.. he
is recovering, but then late for the party, after
driving an hour, we locked the keys in the car 10 min.
from her house.. The locksmith ppl came and found that
the passenger side door had been ajar all along due to
Matt shutting his seatbelt in it. We still had to pay,
of course.

And today, my right eye has been hurting and now i
have to quit typing and close it. I'm staying here
another night b/c i'm exhausted fron so much crying,
etc.. i know there's a typo back there, but i can't
chance it with this laptop. i need to send this or
i'll wipe out my text.


[November 23rd, 2005 | 12.30]
New layout courtesy of spiralbound_lj

[November 23rd, 2005 | 10.21]

After Wedding reception After Wedding reception

this is an old pic - from April '05. I'm just testing this baby out

[November 22nd, 2005 | 15.50]
Well, the hubby and I are doing MUCH better now. He went to couseling today.
I don't want to work. at all. It's not even 4 pm, I have a ton to work on, but it feels like it's 5 minutes til 5:00.

I went to kickboxing last night. It was fun 'cuz I felt like a robot just getting in the car, driving there, doing it, feeling 150% better afterwards.

When i got home, Matt (aka hubby) was being really sweet to me.

Maybe soon the sex will start again. (eyes rolling here)

No, i know.. i'm awful. But i'm a very healthy young woman with natural urges. That's all i can say about it right now.

Good news is that my new laptop adaptor came in and so i can be back online at home tonight. (My cat had chewed through my other one)

As much as i hate to, i need to do some work before time to go.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!

Yay! Time Change [October 31st, 2005 | 08.16]
I don't recall ever being happier of the time change. For some reason, this year, i was ready to lose Daylight Savings Time long before this past weekend. I wanted it to be about 2 weeks ago myself. I've been soooo tired lately. I just hate getting up before the sun shines.. unless i'm going on an awesome vacation somewhere, that is.

Today, so far, i feel grrrrrrrrrrrrrreat!!

Darn it! I never get an uninterrupted chance to post - i meant to get to work earlier, but since i work next door to hubby, he's over here asking me about doing some web site changes to make money on the side. I suppose I must do that before my co-workers arrive (in 10 minutes).

We're trying to make some extra cash so we can do something on our anniversary.. One year in 9 days

Hallow's Eve Eve - random facts [October 29th, 2005 | 19.47]
I don't have time at this moment to list 25 facts, so i'll just shoot 'em out til time to go:

1. I seem to think using incorrect grammar on purpose when I write is funny.
2. If I don't have a child within 2 years i feel my heart would be broken.
3. I realize that I should get over #2 and accept what God gives me.
4. I work at a real estate office with yellow and blue walls.
5. As of yet, age 29, i haven't even started to try to get pregnant.
6. My place of employment bought me a larger memory stick for my camera, and this has given me ultimate glee!
7. SOON, in the near future, i will have to drive.
8. i'm too poor to afford a Halloween costume really. I had thought about dressing up '80s style..

9. Time has come for me, to end the typing. :(
But for all the homebaby girls and boys, till next time, :)

drinking coffee in the shower [October 5th, 2005 | 18.36]
[ mood | grateful ]

I just realized that I got perturbed at myself. I found my empty coffee cup on top of the shower in the upstairs bathroom. It appeared heavy.. I imagined it would be painful if it fell on my head or face. I made a glint look of disgust right when i realized it was me who left it there. It's usually Matt i blame things on.
Folks, this small incident was a turning point for me. (not really; i'm over-dramatic)
From this day forward I will follow the advise that the guy in Emotions Anonymous gave me. He said, "Be responsible for your own choices.. don't let someone else's choices dictate you." (not verbatim, 'cuz i can't remember, but that was basically the gist of it).
Also, he didn't advise us on this. He just mentioned that he himself had been in a similar situation and... It was actually quite helpful to me. I've thought on it several times since.

I also like when others tell me stories about times and things that brought them close to God. Then I know that I am not alone in seeking this. It happened today at work. It was a story about the #666, but anyway, long story short, it led the person in the right direction (away from evil). It was just too coincidental that the number came up TWICE in the same day, when she was asking for a sign at that very moment.
I don't know about others, but that number comes up for me, like, once, every 6-12 months - not to mention that i'm never thinking about wanting a sign right before seeing it and waiting for it. And it steered the person toward something positive and wholesome rather than drugs, (basically, i'll be blunt).

See, i'm not good with being open and honest on here (livejournal, duh, in case someone asked - j/k).
I wish i could be more like shewillbeloved6 on that aspect.

Now i really must change clothes and go burn off some calories. i've been eating like a pig for a few days - now back on track! ;)



My fourth day without a soda (aka "coke" in the South) [September 9th, 2005 | 09.47]
[ mood | elated ]

I am just amazed.

I have been so hooked on carbonation.. I craved it with salty snacks, i craved it with pizza, with peanuts, mmmmmmmmmmmm

I had started drinking more and more. For years I never drank diet. I drank sodas now and then - full strength, but drank water and tea a lot too.
Then comes living with and marrying Matt - after several years of cohabitation, I developed his habit of needing soda pop. He would always ask for them and if we ran out, would walk to a machine.

After awhile, I starting feeling like even Diet sodas were such a wonderful treat to me. I went from having less than one per day to having 2-5 per day.
Then my mom sent me an email about overcoming any addictions with this method called "tapping."
This particular article used soda pop as the example.

See here - Dr. Mercola sent a health news letter that explains about turbo tapping. Have you heard of it? It is a growing technique to end any type of addiction that you have.


(Mom says: This is the beginning of the article. Click on free EFT manual and just keep clicking on the subsequent pages that continue to tell about it.)

And after reading that, i've not had one since.
This is a major accomplishment for me, because my willpower is weak when it comes to my food/drink.


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